Who Knew It Was Better To Be Invisible

Trigger Warning: In this blog I will be discussing suicide, violence, and other discriminatory and harmful acts. If you or someone you know is considering suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255

For transgender specific crisis you can contact TransLifeline.org or call them at US: 877-565-8860 CAN: 877-330-6366

How am I supposed to feel when it seems the world doesn’t want people like me?

After reading an article about yet another spate of anti-trans legislation,  I felt worse than numb. I felt defeated and unwanted by the country I signed up to defend. I could not focus on work or really anything, so I went for a run to work through my feelings. On my run, I was listening to a podcast about Maya Angelou and cried when the hosts talked about the assassinations of her friends Malcolm X and Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. But despite my tears, I knew I could not sit by and not share my feelings. I am not going to compare myself to giants like those three people but I want to give my inspiration credit where credit is due.

In the past few months, we have seen a deluge on bills proposed by Republican lawmakers across 30 states as of writing this, and 3 states having signed their bills into law (Arkansas, Tennessee, Mississippi). When making their case for these laws, Republicans claim they are doing this to protect women and children from harm; the law in Arkansas is ironically titled SAFE Act (Save Adolescences from Experimentation Act) which prevents parents and doctors from giving literally life-saving medical care to minors under penalty of fines and jail time. This goes beyond just trying to narrowly define what genders are and into the realm of legislating us out of existence. Transgender people are already at a significantly higher risk of suicide than the national average, transwomen of colour routinely get murdered by partners and strangers alike at astronomical rates but that is not enough for Republicans. No. Now they are trying to erase us from existence by banning safe and reversible hormonal medical treatment that can stop children from going through a puberty that will PERMANENTLY alter and change their bodies; this will only cause more suicides of children. Arkansas is a state that signed into law a bill that allows medical professionals to refuse to treat LGBTQ+ people based on their “deeply held religious beliefs”, other states have proposed similar legislation sometimes including emergency care.

How do we not give up? At what point do we say enough is enough, it’s clear we’re not wanted here by those in power? I would be lying if I said the thought has never crossed my mind to leave this country in my rearview, but as I was reminded by my dear friend this morning while I might have the ability to leave for someplace better, many do not. And those who cannot leave need our voices to speak out, our bodies marching in the streets, and our shoulders to cry on.

The system is fundamentally broken. When one of the two major political parties has planted their flag and decided to represent the narrowest definition of “real Americans” possible: cisgender-hetero-white-Christian men and (sometimes) women. The rest of us be damned, literally as they see us as the devil in their holy war for society’s soul. Their narrow definition also means that they have to demonise the others not just through rhetoric but through cruel laws that limit our ability to participate in the democratic process through draconian modern Jim Crow Laws to prevent BIPOC people from voting,  making it illegal to film police, to banning abortion and defunding Planned Parenthood. All of those bills were touted as protections of sorts; protecting our elections, protecting police privacy, protecting unborn life, etc… When in reality these bills do the opposite of protecting anything other than the status quo of the white male patriarchy reigning supreme in the United States.

When I was growing up in the late 90’s, trying to come to terms with the feelings I had and what I later would learn had the name gender dysphoria, I read about how once I transitioned I most likely be disowned, fired from whatever job, and probably murdered eventually. Back then being gay was either some horrible insult or the butt of a joke and trans wasn’t on anyone’s radar except for Silence of the Lambs. Then I thought back to just a few years ago when we started to get actual transgender representation in wider media that wasn’t harmful or derogatory, and nationally people were talking about us like we were people finally and deserved rights like everyone else. I remember thinking about how proud and happy I was that this next generation of queer kids will have it so much better than I and my predecessors had. Our fight was working. But what did that conversation bring? Slander, dehumanising rhetoric from our leaders both political and religious, shame, harm, and a slew of anti-trans legislation to prevent us from using public accommodations, participate in sports, or receive medical care. So I was thinking today how much better it was when people didn’t know who we were or that we existed. In their ignorance, we had moderate safety. When we were invisible, they couldn’t hate what they couldn’t see.

But the problem with being invisible, your friends can’t see you either. I didn’t have trans role models to look up to when I was young. I didn’t have people I could point to and say to myself “there’s someone like me, who not only exists but thrives in their life”. We will not back down. We will not go back into hiding. We have always existed and will continue to exist so long as humanity does and we will be visible to and for the next generation so they have someone to be inspired by.